"- Sleeping With Friends: The Damage it will Do -
There is a curious sub-set of friendship that seems to have become popular of late. It's called friends with benefits. It means, - you're just my buddy, and I'm not really interested in you romantically (or frankly, even attracted to you), but on those occasions when we get really sloshed, or we both end up alone (but together) on a Saturday night, we can boink our brains out and not be weirded out in the morning.
I'm sorry, but I just think it's a cheap cop-out. And what's more, it demeans the friendship, not to mention potential romance. It's like having an escort service you don't have to tip.
And here's a point of view that's going to piss some folks off: I think shagging with any old friend or acquaintance just for the heck of it kind of goes against nature. Here's why:
From an ...Anthropological..Standpoint, our species evolved around long gestation of offspring, and helplessness at birth - (according to Bill Bryson) in..A Short History of Nearly Everything, when our prehistoric precursors developed a pelvis sturdy enough to allow them to walk upright, it also resulted in a comparatively small birth canal, which meant to fit through it, babies would have to be born with small brains and little ability to be self-sufficient. As a result, infants required long-term care, which implies solid male-female bonding. After all, someone has to be getting the food if someone else is staying back at the cave with the kid.
So what does this mean? It means whatever your religious or cultural beliefs, our species was designed to pair up , make babies and stick together to raise them. Messing around for sport serves no particular anthropological need. Although it is fun.
But it's not what we're wired for, really. Deep in our bones, when we have sex, it means something. In our most ancient, primeval memory, it's part of bonding and procreation. It's what we are meant to do.
So as a result, I think there are two things wrong with - friends with benefits:
1. It's really, really hard to stop yourself from having feelings of belonging or (possession) about people you've slept with (more than once). Even the coldest Don Juan is going to feel some sort of privileges or power over a woman he's been with multiple times. And I think for women, it's even more so. We find it even more difficult to detach our hearts from our southern hemispheres.
A one-night stand is one thing. When the planets are properly (or improperly) aligned, stuff happens. Things seem like a great idea. A couple of cocktails with a shot of moonlight and a slow-dance chaser, and the next thing you know, your underpants are inside - OUT!!
But if you keep dipping into the same well again and again, you're bound to feel some ownership or sense of belonging. It can't help but change the friendship. It will either develop into something more (whether you want it or not) or one of you will feel hurt or strange when the other embarks on a -REAL ...Romantic relationship. The chances of two people being able to balance a perfect equilibrium of neutrality are slim indeed. If you both insist it's truly a friendship -- with extras -- I have a sneaking suspicion someone (or two?) is either feeling a lot more, or a lot less, than willing to admit.
2. Relegating intimate sexual contact to just -- benefits -- cheapens and degrades a most wondrous form of expression. If it's --JUST - SEX -- with one person, how do you flip the switch and turn it into something more with another?
And why turn your great friend into a convenience?
Don't you value the friendship more than that?
Or the person?
You say you care about each other as friends, but obviously not enough to make a real commitment -- or worse yet, be seen together in public as a couple. But when you're stuck together watching some lousy rerun on Showtime, you'll go at it like rabbits. What a deal. You don't have to pay for a date, worry about calling the next day or even dressing up.
I know it's not a perfect world, but in a perfect world, sexual intimacy is an expression of love and caring between two people, and just one part of a deep, respectful relationship. I also know that very often it isn't the case. But the closer you get to that goal (on a consistent basis), the happier you will be. On the banquet table of life, trying to make sex just one a la carte selection with a friend or passing acquaintance may seem appetizing, but it won't quell your hunger long term.
In my opinion, casual sex with friends is the doughnut of romance. You may think it's tasty now, but you'll pay for it later...
Myself, I have always said once you have sex with someone no matter who they are. It changes, how you and, that person feels about each other..Least in my mind your no longer friends...Sexual bonding reguires a feeling to do this act!! (least for me) -- You've moved to the next step with them....Lovers!! "
